Top Time Tip #83
How to identify the communication styles of the people around you

1. How to identify the communication styles of the people around you
2. Technology tip – turn emails into tasks
3. From our readers – Encouragement for messy desk owners! 

Before I start, I just have to tell you where I'm writing this ezine.

I started as we began a traverse of Asia, winging north from Hong Kong. As I finish we're above Russia - with much window-gazing along the way. This morning I've seen the edge of the amazing Hindu Kush mountains, I've seen the Gobi Desert, I've seen the Himalayas and I've seen the huge expanses of the Russian Steppes. This is definitely one of those ‘pinch yourself' experiences!

It also just happens to be Air New Zealand's first inaugural flight from Auckland to London non-stop (except for a refuel in Hong Kong) and on board are New Zealand's All Blacks, off to (hopefully!) run their opponents off the rugby fields of the British Isles and Europe.

My reason for travel isn't quite as headline-catching as for those very fit and (mostly) very tall young men but for me it's also exciting. I'm on my way to participate in the conferences of the Academy of Chief Executives in London and the Professional Speakers Association UK at Birmingham and then the launch of the Professional Speakers Association of the Netherlands.

Now to more day-to-day topics. The lead article in this issue gives you a useful diagnostic of some common communication styles. The more we can understand about communication the more time we save, I'm sure you'd agree. Then, as well as our usual short segments, I'll tell you about a problem of ours that could be a win for you.

1. What styles of communication happen at your place?

One of my coaching clients and I were recently discussing different methods of communication, for she'd just inherited some challenging personalities in a restructure.

Just prior to the internal shuffle she'd read ‘Getting a grip on leadership – how to learn leadership without making all the mistakes yourself', which I co-wrote with US leadership specialist LaVonn Steiner.

‘Understanding those three broad styles of communication is especially useful for me right now,' she said. ‘It's really helping us start off on the right foot.'

If you've ever struggled with communication in your company, you might also find the concepts interesting. Here's an extract from the book.

The three styles of communication Broadly speaking, there are three possible styles - equal, competitive or passive. (The study of transactional analysis, and the book ‘You're OK, I'm OK' by Thomas Harris will give you an expansion of this way of looking at communication). As you study the following descriptions, think how you speak to the different people in your life. You'll find the method you choose for each person holds up a mirror to the way you see yourself in relation to that person. Equal communication is: Descriptive Thoughtful Respectful Problem-solving Goal-oriented Honest An equal communicator sees him or herself as equivalent to the other person. Competitive communication is: Judging Ordering Warning Threatening Preaching Criticizing Blaming A competitive communicator sees him or herself as superior and the other person as inferior. Passive communication is: Accommodating Pushing your own feelings down Ignoring situations Manipulating A passive communicator sees him or herself as inferior, and the other person as superior. Passive communicating is indirect and manipulative. Hinting, guilt trips, indirect verbal put-downs or back-biting are used to quietly sway others to their way of thinking. It's hard to know what passive people are thinking and feeling. Communication in picture form In the following diagram you'll notice that equal communicators have speaker and listener circles the same size and the same level. They feel adequate and it shows in their communication. In a public speaking environment this kind of communicator makes everyone in the audience feel as though they're being spoken to personally. They have the skill and congruence to make a genuine connection. Competitive communicators have their speaker circle larger and higher and their listener circle smaller and lower. Hidden behind the way they bully, blame, demean and take advantage of others is almost always a thinly disguised sense of inadequacy. It shows to the informed observer in their communication style; they, however, may see themselves as being assertive. Bullies almost always have a highly inflated sense of their own importance, a large ego, and a major sense of insecurity. In a public arena, this kind of speaker causes a discomfort in their audience. Even if at first we're interested, as the minutes tick by we begin to feel patronised, talked down to - as if we don't quite cut the mustard, aren't quite as smart and clever as them. Passive communicators have their speaker circle smaller and lower and their listener circle larger and higher. They also feel inadequate, but they let competitive communicators bully, blame, demean, and use them as a doormat. You'll rarely hear these folk on a public platform – they seldom have enough self-esteem to put themselves up for inspection. Three ways we communicate Results of the three communication styles: The result for equal communicators is straight-forward communication and fewer misunderstandings. The result for competitive communicators is that they breed fear, kill innovation, cause passive-aggressive behavior and are surrounded by ‘yes' people. The result for passive communicators is that they keep the peace but in the long term feel personal frustration, resentment, and anger. They are not respected by others. Payoff from the three communication styles: The payoff for equal communicators is mutual respect and open communication. There is little anxiety because they don't feel judged. They get what they want more often because others know what it is they need and want. Equal communication is safe. The payoff for competitive communicators is control: they get their way. The payoff for passive communicators is feeling that they don't have to make decisions. Passives withhold their opinions, feelings and wants. They let someone else take the flak for faulty decisions.

You can order ‘Getting a grip on leadership' at www.gettingagrip.com/products/books/

2. Technology tip - convert email with a ‘click and drag'

A simple click and drag will take a complete email into other Outlook functions. Don't rewrite notes, tasks, contact details and calendar items – drag them.

3. From our readers – an encouraging angle for those who love their messy desks

‘Hi Robyn,

‘I'm one of the people who attended your workshop in Tennant Creek in the Northern Territory 2 or 3 years ago. I love getting your newsletter and I still pass on tips to friends and colleagues. I've recently turned some of my colleagues on to vertical file holders!

‘I followed the messy desk conversation with interest - I'm still very messy! - and thought you might find this link interesting www.amca.com/articles/article-messydesk.html. Ann McGee-Cooper (the author of the article) has also written a book - ‘Time Management for Unmanageable People'. ‘ Naomi Bannister, Health Development Unit, Dept of Health & Community Services, Tennant Creek, Australia.

Thanks for the reminder, Naomi. I love Ann McGee-Cooper's book – have had it for years. One of her core messages is that creative people (she calls this divergent processing) can still be organized. Use colour, manage things in different ways, and although your space won't look as immaculate as that of an pristine convergent (or more linear) processor it can also be very efficient – and will support your visual/spatial way of working and managing paper.

Yours in practising my communication skills in different countries.

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